The Between
It's weird to be witness to a beginning and an end, but nothing else between. When speaking of the old he is seemingly the same. large attentive eyes small smooth movements a little indecisive. But as his stories climb closer to the present, so does he. his hair longer, on both his head and his face his laugh louder hands, stronger. And though his voice is soft as ever— his words cut straight through the air with pointed magnanimity. We are supposed to be partners in this. A heavy sadness that blankets his smile after saying something really beautiful. as if he understands that the beauty he has experienced in different moments will never be experienced again. as if he mourns the past while passively floating into the future. a plan of no plans makes him sick with nerves. and saying goodbye to so many moments in time is an unwanted reminder.
Unfinished
He doesn’t trust himself to hold small things, in fear he might crush them unknowingly. His hands are mostly used for building things picking up uncut wood and running a saw through it, sanding it down and giving it a new function. He would sooner reel in a snapper and gut it with a rusted back pocket knife, than hold a baby in his hands. It's curious the way he is then able to hold me. Soft around all my edges, careful not to disturb. Strong and purposeful once he finds his way under my skin. Even with him gone, his fingertips are still printed on my hips. But you can’t take without being bruised. We had our fun, then I was on the road. Amarillo, Albuquerque, Bolder City, Reno. There was always something I was going to lose, but no part of me wanted it to be him. And if I had stayed, it would have eventually ended the same—me running away, towards something I will never meet. But if I had stayed, I could balance my pain with the closure of leaving something finished. Now a pit in my stomach weighs down every word out of my mouth with a self induced sorrow that only subsides when I fall asleep. And while some say sleep is the closest experience to death, living sure has been feeling like dying lately.